Sadness of a Different Sort

I wrote this about a year and a half ago and ran across it when reading back through some of my blog tonight. Thought I would repost it.

In The Architecture of Happiness Alain de Botton offers an interesting perspective on the relationship between architecture, philosophy, psychology, ect. In one discussion on how especially beautiful things make us feel he writes...

"The more beautiful something is, the sadder we risk feeling...Our sadness won't be one of the searing kind but more like a blend of joy and melancholy; joy at the perfection we see before us, melancholy at the awareness of how seldom we are sufficiently blessed to encounter anything of its kind. The flawless object throws into perspective the mediocrity that surrounds it. We are reminded of the way we would wish things always to be and of how incomplete our lives remain."

I like this idea of sadness. The idea of a joy mixed with melancholy is illuminating, and it is where I see so many people living, and indeed where I am many days. And I wonder if it is where we will always be until Christ comes to set things right and make things the way they are supposed to be.

2009 Music (So Far)

Since so many of the music websites I look at have done a best-of (so far) for 2009 I thought I should as well. To be fair I don't buy a lot of music and when I do it is usually based on the previous years' best of lists. So this list is probably incomplete.

I've heard a lot of great stuff so far this year, but some of it like Fleet Foxes, Bon Iver, and Blitzen Trapper came out in 2008. So what I offer are the top five albums (released in 2009) that I have listened to. Since I don't work for a music magazine I sadly don't get my music for free so I haven't listened to most of the albums that came out in 2009. Looking over the best of (so far) from the Paste Magazine editors, for example, I haven't heard most of the albums listed. But I guess I can do my best with what I have heard...

Top Five (in no order) - (albums released January-June 2009):

1. Andrew Bird - Noble Beast - Probably is my favorite album of 2009 so far. Every song is great.
2. The Decemberists - Hazards of Love - A love story - Wonderful album
3. Various/Compilation - Dark was the Night - It's a comp so it probably doesn't technically fit the standards for best album, but I can't stop listening to it. Especially The Giant of Illinois (Andrew Bird) and Sleepless (The Decemberists). All the other songs are great as well.
4. Iron and WIne - Around the Well - Not new songs - Mainly B-sides and rarities - Still some great stuff - Especially Dearest Forsaken and The Trapeze Swinger
5. M. Ward - Hold Time - Another good album - Very diverse musically - Deep (spiritual/religious) lyrics

Other Albums I have enjoyed (in no order):

1. The Audreys - When the Flood Comes
2. Anthony and the Johnsons - The Crying Light
3. Blood Bank - Bon Iver
4. Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

Albums I am looking forward to (in release date order) - (albums releasing July-December 2009)

1. Derek Webb - Stockholm Syndrome - Though the official release date is September 1 beginning tomorrow, July 7, pre-orders are available at Derek Webb's website with immediate digital download...Including the controversial track
2. Magnolia Electric Co. - Josephine - July 21
3. The Monsters of Folk - September 21 - A super group composed of Jim James, M. Ward, Conor Oberst and Mike Mogis. I'm really looking forward to this album.
4. The Avett Brothers - I and Love and You - September 29.

Concerts in 2009.

I was hoping to make it up to Chicago for either the Pitchfork Music Festival or Lollapalooza this year, but that seems doubtful. At this point the most likely show I'll make it to is Andrew Bird and St. Vincent at The Orange Peel (Asheville, NC) on October 9.

My favorites might change by the end of 2009. I'm sure I'll hear more than the four albums I'm looking forward to. If I had to guess Andrew Bird will remain on my best of list. Dark Was the Night I'll take off but put some songs from it on my favorite songs of the year list. I imagine that Monsters of Folk and The Avett Brothers have a good chance of making my year end list as well. If Josephine is anywhere close to as good as Songs:Ohia (2003) it will be on the list as well.

All in all this has been a great year for music so far. It will only be a bonus if it gets better.

A few morsels from Henri Nouwen

Keep Trusting God's Call:

"It is not going to be easy to listen to God's call. Your insecurity, your self-doubt, and your great need for affirmation make you lose trust in your inner voice and run away from yourself. But you that that God speaks to you through your inner voice and that you will find job and peace only if you follow it. Yes, your spirit is willing to follow, but your flesh is weak."

Live Patiently with the "Not Yet":

"Where you are most human, most yourself, weakest, there Jesus lives."

Give Your Agenda to God:

"In many ways, you still want to set your own agenda. You act as if you have to choose among many things, which al seem equally important. But you have not fully surrendered yourself to God's guidance. You keep fighting with God over who is in control."

All from The Inner Voice of Love.

The Choir - Enough to Love

If I could touch with my fumbling hands your scars
If I could know in my rebel mind your heart
If I could see with my lusting eyes your face
If I could taste on my withered tongue sweet grace

Would I trust You near enough
Would I trust You near enough
Would I trust You near enough
Enough to die
Enough to love

If I could hear with two muffled ears your voice
If could find in my troubled life true joy
If I could feel with numb fingers your spirit
If I could drink for my barren soul your tears

Would I trust You near enough
Would I trust You near enough
Enough to die
Enough to die
Enough to love

If I could touch with my trembling hands your scars

Would I trust You near enough
Would I trust You near enough
Would I trust You near enough
Enough to die
Enough to live
Enough to love

A Young Woman, Empty Rooms, and Two Doors

I arrived rather unexpectedly, at least to me, and found a rather nice, though completely empty, room. It was well light and the temperature was rather nice; it was, in fact, the kind of place that once could easily imagine spending their time if only there was some furniture and maybe some tea and cookies and books. Curious where I was I began to walk around the room, which since it was empty didn't take long, and as I imagine anyone would do I opened the only door on the far wall.

The next room was virtually the same as the one I had just left - the only way one could distinguish them, besides the location of the door, was that the second room was lined completely with bricks. Hoping I could find some furniture and something warm to drink, and maybe even an owner or caretaker who might be able to tell me where I was and how to get back I decided to try the only door in the second room.

The third room was identical to the first two except for the welcome sight of a young woman standing in the middle of the room. Thinking I had scared her, being a stranger in her house, I began to apologize and introduce myself, but she stopped me. "I have been expecting you." Her voice was one of the purest I had ever heard, but her lips never moved. "How can I help you?"

I was't terribly sure how to answer this question. Though I had lost all desire to leave. "I guess some tea would be nice...And I would also like to know where I am and how I got here." As I said this I noticed that there were two doors behind her. She led me over to the corner to a table, a table I had previously not noticed, and offered me a cup of tea and a shortbread cookie. While I recognized the flavor of the tea and cookie as a taste I was familiar with having every night there was also something different about it that I could not quite figure out. Suddenly my questions seemed meaningless. I did not much care where I was or how I got there.

This feeling did not last long however. As I finished the tea and cookie and began to regain my composure the young woman asked, again without her lips moving, "What are you here?" When I didn't answer, and it became clear to her I had no idea she asked, "Which door would you like to open next?"

At this point I understood that I couldn't stay here forever. But I had no idea how to choose which door was best. I tried to get some hints what was behind each door but she either did not know or was unwilling to tell me. After gazing at the doors and at her for what seemed like hours I asked, "Would you come with me no matter which door I choose." She gazed at me for a moment and said, "Yes, no matter which door you chose I will come with you. I will always be there to comfort you. Choose whichever door you think best. Maybe what is on the other side will be hard, but I will be with you. Maybe it will be easy, and I will be with you. It doesn't matter. Plus, the one who sent me here to meet you already knows which door you are going to open."

I still wasn't terribly clear who this woman was or how I had come to her house, but her presence made me feel better. Suddenly I didn't have any questions. So I reached for the door knob and turned it until I heard the click...with that the door opened and I walked through.

Jesus Loves Me this I Know

It has been a long time since I have given any thought to the children's songs I used to sing at church. At almost 30 I guess I assumed I was past them. And with three theology degrees I probably figured their theology wasn't up to the caliber that I needed. Or, maybe I have just been busy. I imagine that it is combination of those and other factors. Many of you may not have listened to them either unless you have children of your own. However, today I was watching some of a documentary and "Jesus Loves Me" played over the opening credits. The song was originally written I believe for a Sunday School teacher to teach a dying boy. And it is much longer than children sing in Sunday School. But if you grew up anywhere near the church you probably remember singing the first verse and the refrain.

"Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so."

For an adult, and a theologian, this seems rather trivial. Though it is famously the answer that Karl Barth, the great twentieth century theologian, to the question of the most important thing he has learned.

However, today this part of the song really struck me. Probably because of where I am in life. And probably because even though I enjoy thinking and knowing, I experience the world - in all her truth and beauty - by feeling. So recently when I haven't felt the presence of God and the love of Jesus in my heart I am tempted to believe that God doesn't exist and Jesus doesn't love me. Of course, I know this isn't true so I keep believing. Even though sometimes it is hard.

Here is where the song came in this morning. As I listened I was reminded that it doesn't matter what I feel. It even doesn't matter what theology I have learned about God - about his plans for my life. In this instance it doesn't matter what I know about God being in control of the good and the bad. All that matters is that Jesus loves me - And I know this not because of anything I feel - I know Jesus loves me because the Bible tells me so. Sometimes this is enough.

Reminds me as well of what Nouwen once wrote,

"Our emotional lives move up and down constantly. Sometimes we experience great mood: swings from excitement to depression, from joy to sorrow, from inner harmony to inner chaos. A little event, a word from someone, a disappointment in work, many things can trigger such mood swings. Mostly we have little control over these changes. It seems that they happen to us rather than being created by us.

Thus it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children."

Murmuring at God's Will

Today in worship we sang "Help My Unbelief." This hymn was written by John Newton, most well-known for "Amazing Grace." Here are the lyrics. The last verse (that I have bolded) particularly struck me today.

I know the Lord is nigh,
And would but cannot pray,
For Satan meets me when I try,
And frights my soul away,
And frights my soul away.

I would but can’t repent,
Though I endeavor oft;
This stony heart can never relent
Till Jesus makes it soft,
Till Jesus makes it soft.

Help my unbelief.
Help my unbelief.
Help my unbelief.
My help must come from Thee.

I would but cannot love,
Though wooed by love divine;
No arguments have power to move
A soul as base as mine.
A soul so base as mine.

I would but cannot rest,
In God’s most holy will;
I know what He appoints is best,
And murmur at it still.
I murmur at it still.

Help my unbelief.
Help my unbelief.
Help my unbelief.
My help must come from Thee.

Just some Questions

I have been thinking about some of these questions recently...

1. Why is the automatic assumption that socialism is bad and capitalism is good?
2. Why are our government and those of our allies called administration while the rest of the governments with which we disagree are called regimes?
3. Why can the United States and her allies have nuclear weapons, but other counties cannot?
4. Why do so many Christians support torture?
5. Why am I looked at funny for not voting, but not for skipping church?
6. Why do conservatives think abortion is murder but not capital punishment and war?
7. Why do liberals think capital punishment and war are murder but not abortion?
8. Why is the same war bad when waged by one president but necessary when waged by another?
9. Why do so many Christians seem to talk as if God has control over everything but politics?
10. Why is it offensive in the prayers of the people to ask God to give us the courage to give up war?

I of course have more but those are enough for now...

Prayer (1) - George Herbert

PRAYER the Churches banquet, Angels age,
Gods breath in man returning to his birth,
The soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage,
The Christian plummet sounding heav’n and earth ;

Engine against th’ Almightie, sinner's towre,
Reversed thunder, Christ-side-piercing spear,
The six daies world-transposing in an houre,
A kinde of tune, which all things heare and fear ;

Softnesse, and peace, and joy, and love, and blisse,
Exalted Manna, gladnesse of the best,
Heaven in ordinarie, man well drest,
The milkie way, the bird of Paradise,

Church-bels beyond the stars heard, the souls bloud,
The land of spices, something understood.

Pulling Against the Leash

(I posted this a couple years ago and thought it would be appropriate to post again. The only difference is now instead of sitting down and pulling against the leash I feel as though I am running away and by the grace of God the leash is holding me back)

If you have ever had a dog you have experienced times when she pulls against the leash. You want to take her on a walk, but she digs her feet in and won't move - she tries to pull backwards, even to the point of sitting down. As I was praying tonight God put this picture in my head. I'm not sure yet how I am supposed to interpret it. But I started thinking about why the dog pulls like this - well, it's because their owner is trying to take them somewhere they don't want to go.

Why don't they want to go? Because they are stubborn - and they are comfortable where they are - the feel safe at home. And they don't trust us. We want to take them on a walk or to the vet because these things are good for them, or we want to take them to the park, a place we know they would love maybe even more than where they are now, but they just don't know it.

I think we are often like this with God - he wants to lead us somewhere and we dig our feet in and pull against the leash.

Christos Aneste! Alethos Aneste!

(Repost from last Easter) - CHRIST IS RISEN!!



Christ Jesus our Lord, our Savior, our Redeemer, has Risen from the dead - just as he promised!!!!

The darkness and silence of the tomb could not hold him.  Darkness cannot hold us.
The darkness and despair of Holy Saturday was not the end of the story.  It is not our story.
The loneliness and abandonment his followers felt was unfounded.  We are not alone.

For the tomb is empty - Jesus is no longer there - He has risen from the dead. Alleluia!! Alleluia!!

Easter Sunday has finally come. Lent and Holy Tridium are over - Praise be to God. Our Savior is ALIVE. Light has returned.

We waited patiently, though anxiously, in the dark of the night. But light and joy break with the morning. Jesus has defeated sin, suffering, and Satan. Evil is vanquished. Jesus has won.

We sent our problems, our difficulties, our worries, our sorrow, our despair, and our sin to the cross on Friday. Jesus took them on himself as he died. They went with him to the tomb on Saturday. But today he has left them there. We are free. We can have joy. We can set all our hopes and dreams on the risen Christ.

We can now have new life. May we all now live in the joy of the Resurrection. Sunday has indeed come for all of us. A true Sunday.  The darkness of Holy Saturday and Lent is behind us.  The new day is here.  May we believe it, and experience it, radically today and every day. Praise be to God. Thanks be to God. Praise be to God. He is risen…He is risen indeed, Alleluia…

JESUS HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD!! ALLELUIA!! ALLELUIA!!

The Night Before Easter

(I wrote this last year on Maundy Thursday.  As I reflect on Lent and Holy Week on this Holy Saturday I thought it would be good to post and edited version of it since I am still in many ways here)

The feet have been washed. The bread and the wine have been eaten. Jesus has been taken away…On Friday the church remembered the crucifixion of Jesus. For a while I have wondered if sometimes we fail to really grasp the meaning of Good Friday.  We know the end of the story. We know that even as we remember the death of Jesus in just a few days we will gather to celebrate his resurrection. However, over the past few years I have tried, on Good Friday, and this year more so, to put myself in the place of Jesus’ followers. If you do that it drastically changes your perspective.

How would you respond to the death of Jesus if you did not know he rose again? How would you feel if your leader and friend, one that you followed around for three years - you saw him heal the sick and raise the dead - you heard him teach. You watched him challenge the Pharisees, Herod, and Pilate - you heard Peter confess, “You are the Christ, the Son of God…” - you experienced his love - a love such that you have never felt before - you thought he was the new Messiah, the new King - how would you feel if you saw him die?  He is dead and buried...and you have fled with the others…

You thought you could have faith in Jesus, but now it seems he has failed you…

Can we even begin to place ourselves in this situation? Can we even now begin to experience the darkness of Friday? Is it really “good” if you know only Friday, and do not, at the same time, know Sunday? Do we, even though we have “Sunday” really know Sunday? Or are our lives stuck in a perpetual Lent…A Lent waiting on the joy of Sunday?

The preacher says, “Friday’s here…but Sunday’s coming…” Maybe Sunday is coming soon, and maybe for some people it has already come, and of course tomorrow we will celebrate Easter and the Resurrection, but now we feel stuck on Friday, or even more trapped in Saturday.

Today we have remembered Holy Saturday. The dark day of the Christian year - a day of silence and mourning. A full day without the presence of Jesus. A day of darkness and despair.  A day when the death of Jesus has finally become real. A day when God seems absent.

But the feelings of Holy Saturday are feelings that many experience for most of their lives. They are feelings many will return too after Easter Sunday. They are, after all, the feelings of this life.

For many “Saturday” is where we live most of our lives. We remember the resurrection, and even on Sunday will joyfully sing, “Christ the Lord has risen today, Alleluia…” But it probably won’t change anything. In many ways, it doesn’t seem true for us. We try, and sneak into the joy of Sunday, but something keeps pulling us back to Saturday. Our Alleluia is cold and it is broken. It is a Alleluia that hopes, not a Alleluia that believes.

In Real Presences, the literary critic George Steiner writes of this broken Hallelujah, of this hope and this longing, of this life lived in some sort of sorrow…It is “a long day’s journey of the Saturday. Between suffering, aloneness, unutterable waste on the one hand and the dream of liberation, or rebirth on the other.”

Saturday is the in-between day. A day when Jesus is gone and buried, but has yet to rise again. The day when the disciples thought it was hopeless, that it was over. It is a day where it almost seems that again he has failed us. He has left us singing a broken song at an empty cross to a dead, and failed, god, and not a joyful anthem at an empty tomb to a risen Savior.

But even in the darkness of our Saturday, a small light shines forth from afar…Though it is small it is a light of joy…A light of hopes fulfilled…A light that will make our Hallelujah one that believes…It is the light of Sunday. However far away it may be we are able to glimpse it. It is a light we are drawn too. A light that keeps us going, and makes everything meaningful. That shines through despair and sorrow to joy.  A light that keeps us going as we wait for our time to smile.

Maybe Sunday will not be “Sunday” for us. Maybe Easter will only be a small glimmer of light. Maybe this year all Easter will do is rekindle the hope that Saturday is trying to kill. It will give us the strength to go on for a little bit longer. But maybe that is all that we need in order to continue singing, even if the song is cold and broken. Because even broken praises are beautiful to the ears of a God that loves us.  And even in silence we can know that.

A good song for Lent

He Ever Loves Us
Written by Alex Mejias
CD: High Street Hymns (Download it from Amazon here)


He ever loves us in our brokenness
Weeps for every grief we face
Intercedes for us without ceasing
And bids us to receive His grace
And bids us to receive His grace
His love protects us through the dark night
Never leaves us in our pain
Shelters us with His presence
In weakness, He perfects His strength
He ever loves us in our brokenness
In the cross he hides our shame
Forsaken by the Father
He died for us, He took our place

My Valentine's Day post

Last year I wrote a longer post on Valentine's Day.  I was reading it again last night and many of the feelings I expressed I still feel.  In most ways I am still in that same place I was last February.  If you missed it here it is (typos and all).

This year I simply post a quote I have been thinking about recently.  This is describing the sort of love I think everyone is seeking.

"What really counts in life is that at some moment you have seen something, felt something which is so great, so matchless, that everything else is nothing by comparison, that even if you forgot everything you would never forget this."

St Augustine on God

“What are you then, my God – what, but the Lord God?  For who is Lord but the Lord?  Or who is God save our God?  Must high, most excellent, most powerful, most almighty, most merciful, and most just; most hidden, yet most present; most beautiful, and most strong; stable, yet mysterious; unchangeable, yet changing all things; never new, never old; making all things new and bringing age upon the proud, though they know it not; ever working, yet ever at rest; still gathering, yet lacking nothing; sustaining, filling and protecting; creating, nourishing, and maturing; seeking, yet possessing all things.  You love without passion; you are jealous without anxiety; you repent, yet have no sorrow; you are angry, yet serene; change your ways, your are plans are unchanged; recover what you find, having never lost it; never in need, yet rejoicing in gain; never covetous, yet requiring interest.  You receive over and above, that you may owe—yet you have anything that is not yours?  You pay debts, owing nothing; remit debits, losing nothing.  And what have I now said, my God, my life, my holy joy—what is this I have said?”